Amongst my friends, and inside my small and humble online world of followers and wonderful customers I’m pretty well known for writing inspirational posts about ‘Doing it!’, living your dreams, doing the thing, the thing you always wanted to. I am all about DO. I am a DOer, I must DO, be DOing, help others DO….much DO in my world.
However today I am in full recognition of the dark side of being a DOer…in that I have done so much DO with no regard for my physical, emotional, mental limits that I have really gone and F@%#ed myself up this time! Currently sitting on the couch…in pain…with tears, tears of pain, tears of general feeling sorry for myself, tears of regret (which are unusual), tears of frustration, tears of worry. Bodies are resilient but I have pushed mine well beyond its limits and am now looking down the barrel of what is sounding like a pretty hectic regime of tests to figure out exactly what the hell I have done to myself and how it can be healed. I kick myself for how disrespectful I have been to my body in the name of DO progress.
The big long list of To Do’s which has been my total world for the last few months still seems SO important. From this couch I cannot comprehend what will happen if I do not tick those DOs at the appropriate time. In my head a few missed DOs and few late DOs are ok but the thought of say sliding all the DOs back a week or two or a month feels like it will surely bring on an unstoppable cascade of life destruction where all the former DOs fall away to nothing and I am reduced to rubble…sounds rather dramatic when I put it like that…but seriously I feel an overwhelming sense of doom at the idea of there being a tipping point of undone DOs that will unravel my life. It is this sense that regularly pushes me forward as my body protests.
DISCLAIMER: I am likely not to provide any answers in this ramble, just my own experiences, perhaps a warning (one I being me would not have listened to)…maybe you’ve got some answers.
Until the recent stream of health care professional visits begun this week I was in a place where I was so worked up in my DOness that I would literally picture myself slapping people in the face who were telling me to ‘just chill’ or ‘it’ll be fine’. Over the last few weeks, I have burst into tears or snapped at more strangers and friends than I can count…one ‘no you can’t’, one ‘it’ll be fine’, one ‘don’t stress’ and I would unleash my wrath! ‘You don’t friggin get it…I’m trying to DO!!!’
I often feel isolated in my DOness. I often feel surrounded by people telling me to not DO or to DO less. Is it because they can see the destructive side of my constant DOing or are they intimidated by my DOing, do I make DO look really unappealing? The end result of all the DO is usually pretty awesome but the road there most likely looks pretty horrid sometimes from an outside perspective of those closest to me. I’m thankful for the small group of fellow DOers who help me navigate my DOings I don’t know where I’d be without them but even from them I am unlikely to heed a warning of impending DO overload.
So…where others fear to DO I fear to NOT DO. Is it when the DOing is being motivated by fear that it is the problem? Insert some fluffy quote about Imagine what you could achieve if you didn’t fear failure….But more and more I realise it is the fear of failure that drives me when shit hits the fan. The love of creation starts a project, the love of creation drives a project, the love of creation sees it through most of the way but when it starts to feel like it is all falling apart (or just getting really bloody hard) the fear of failure keeps me alert, keeps me pushing, keeps me energised. Fear of failure….I guess a healthy analysis of what is considered failure is important to define and understand what I/you mean by failure, if you read my blog I think I’ve rambled about that already
All around me I watch people pick a thing and hold it above their heads disclaiming ‘aha I have figured out that my path to happiness is xyz, study, become a thing, learn a thing, go to a place’ and all too often off they go and then back they come, muttering ‘I think I chose the wrong path, they said I had to learn organic chemistry so clearly being a dolphin doctor is not following my bliss cos that was just so not fun’….but maybe being a Dolphin Doctor would be bliss if you just suck it up and live through the pain of organic chemistry to get there….What is a healthy level of pain...or should I swap that for struggle? Without challenge there is no struggle without struggle there is no growth…that sounds boring and a bit pointless.
I think bliss is not separate from struggle. I’m pretty sure it’s all wrapped up in the same ball. For me I think the bliss of creation works something like….Inspiration, fear, overcoming fear, implementation, struggle, re-evaluation, growth, creation. I just made that up, stick it on a poster, should have made a flow chart. I think I am cycling back around with re-evaluation in writing this post although I still have no answers to the current DO requirements that cannot be met…perhaps I’m about to be shown that the tipping point of undone DOs does not really exist…
Random conclusion probably not aligned with previous ramblings: DOing is awesome! DOing requires some level of struggle/pain and possibly fear (fear being currently not entirely defined). Not DOing may lead to feelings of dissatisfaction boredom and lack of direction in life. Invention required: Unfoolable ‘Physical/emotional Overload Meter’….plug yourself in daily…green orange red….’keep that shit in the orange or I’m pulling the plug’ I think I’ve been full double red for a while now and have blown a fuse.
Solution: Currently Unknown (offerings of homemade chicken soup appreciated)